It's November which means it is NaBloPoMo. I'm going to try to blog everyday but I tried that in April and I crashed and burned haha!
So what have all you lovely readers been up to? Gosh it has been forever since I blogged. I feel bad because right now the only blog worthy things going on in my life is more infertility and Josh job hunting. I'll talk about the infertility stuff tomorrow and then Hopefully not for the rest of the month, though I don't promise.
This month is going to be exciting. My 25th birthday is next week, the new Thor movie is coming out, the 50th Dr. Who anniversary is later this month (the 23rd?), Thanksgiving-my favorite holiday, Black Friday. All sorts of stuff!
More stuff tomorrow, this is just an intro to the month.
Friday, November 1, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
How the Meeting Went
Yesterday Josh and I went to meet with Bethany Christian Services about starting the adoption process. I feel like there is so much to say on this topic!!
Let's start with a little background. I have known that God was calling me to adopt since I was 16. That means that I've spent 1/3 of my life thinking about and praying about a child that I wouldn't carry with my own body. Knowing now the problems that Josh and I have faced with pregnancy, I feel like God was preparing my heart for a battle I didn't even know I would face. An adopted child IS NOT the same as biological child and vice versus. They are separate. I hate when people act like an adopted kid is a consolation prize, like "oh, you can't have a baby of your own so here have this cast off." Ugh it makes me sick. The kid we get will be ours and is NOT a second choice. Adoption has always been a part of our family building plan. I actually broached the topic of adoption when Josh and I sat down to talk about whether we were going to be dating "seriously". I didn't want to start a relationship with someone who couldn't see himself parenting a child he hadn't helped create. That's a big deal and you have to feel called to it. Fortunately, Josh was on board and committed right then to adopt with me at some point.
So we went into this meeting and I was dead set on international adoption. I have heard horror stories about domestic adoption and I have just always pictured myself with a rainbow family of little African, Asian, and American kids. There are obviously very difficult things about international adoption, but I was pretty sure I was ready. Well, we sat and listened and I asked questions and then we came out to the car and started a well known game "what did you think?" "No you go first". Finally I told Josh that I really felt God nudging me to listen and soak up and hear what they were saying about domestic adoption. Josh said he felt the same way. He has been more open to that the whole way through. We talked about it a lot more of course and Josh said he feels as sure about domestic adoption as he did about going to engineering school. That's a lot of surety.
We, especially me...I?, are really praying about this since it is Such a huge change of mindset for me. Here's a confession though, I am so excited you guys! Like I can't even make you understand. I've thought about this for so long and with particular intensity during the whole trying to conceive times, but its like I'm seeing the first blushes a dream that might come true. We might have a family! There might be little feet that run and jump in our house. So that is where we are, I'm going to email the adoption counselor on Monday to get a preliminary application and most,y pray and seek God's will before we make too many steps. I'll keep you all posted.
Let's start with a little background. I have known that God was calling me to adopt since I was 16. That means that I've spent 1/3 of my life thinking about and praying about a child that I wouldn't carry with my own body. Knowing now the problems that Josh and I have faced with pregnancy, I feel like God was preparing my heart for a battle I didn't even know I would face. An adopted child IS NOT the same as biological child and vice versus. They are separate. I hate when people act like an adopted kid is a consolation prize, like "oh, you can't have a baby of your own so here have this cast off." Ugh it makes me sick. The kid we get will be ours and is NOT a second choice. Adoption has always been a part of our family building plan. I actually broached the topic of adoption when Josh and I sat down to talk about whether we were going to be dating "seriously". I didn't want to start a relationship with someone who couldn't see himself parenting a child he hadn't helped create. That's a big deal and you have to feel called to it. Fortunately, Josh was on board and committed right then to adopt with me at some point.
So we went into this meeting and I was dead set on international adoption. I have heard horror stories about domestic adoption and I have just always pictured myself with a rainbow family of little African, Asian, and American kids. There are obviously very difficult things about international adoption, but I was pretty sure I was ready. Well, we sat and listened and I asked questions and then we came out to the car and started a well known game "what did you think?" "No you go first". Finally I told Josh that I really felt God nudging me to listen and soak up and hear what they were saying about domestic adoption. Josh said he felt the same way. He has been more open to that the whole way through. We talked about it a lot more of course and Josh said he feels as sure about domestic adoption as he did about going to engineering school. That's a lot of surety.
We, especially me...I?, are really praying about this since it is Such a huge change of mindset for me. Here's a confession though, I am so excited you guys! Like I can't even make you understand. I've thought about this for so long and with particular intensity during the whole trying to conceive times, but its like I'm seeing the first blushes a dream that might come true. We might have a family! There might be little feet that run and jump in our house. So that is where we are, I'm going to email the adoption counselor on Monday to get a preliminary application and most,y pray and seek God's will before we make too many steps. I'll keep you all posted.
Thursday, September 5, 2013
At the Risk of Sounding Like a Hipster
One of the trademarks of a hipster is that they are into these really obscure bands that no one has ever heard of. Well, I have found one of these little known bands that is awesome! Honestly, they are probably better known than I realize, but still, I claim them.
They are called Scott Bradlee and the Postmodern Jukebox and they take popular songs that are on pop stations like 94.9 and redo them in vintage styles from the big bands of the 30s to the doo wop of the 50s. Every member of the group is brilliant. The pianist is wonderful and they have some horn players that, oh, oh they are good. I am so used to the roar of electric guitars and pounding drums and lyrics that are more spoken than sung, that it is really neat to hear the same lyrics completely redone. Take a listen.
Oh! And bonus, they band members dress up in the style of the day that they are mimicking!
They are called Scott Bradlee and the Postmodern Jukebox and they take popular songs that are on pop stations like 94.9 and redo them in vintage styles from the big bands of the 30s to the doo wop of the 50s. Every member of the group is brilliant. The pianist is wonderful and they have some horn players that, oh, oh they are good. I am so used to the roar of electric guitars and pounding drums and lyrics that are more spoken than sung, that it is really neat to hear the same lyrics completely redone. Take a listen.
Oh! And bonus, they band members dress up in the style of the day that they are mimicking!
Monday, August 19, 2013
It's Okay Because
The worst of the hormones have passed through now and I am ready to blog about why it is okay that I haven't been able to get pregnant. You can only be so cheery when you are willing to bowl over small people in an attempt to get the last of chocolate ice cream. So in no particular order:
It's okay I'm not great with child because...
...Josh and I can hopefully go on a trip after he graduates. You can't fly if you are six months pregnant or more.
...I can stop pushing protein. I have eaten chicken until I am about to sprout feathers. I'm not a huge meat fan. Glad I can stop that!
...I can diet. I've gained several pounds and now I can work on getting them off without worrying if I am depriving a growing fetus of nutrients.
...I can have a glass of wine if I want it.
...I don't have to send any texts to Josh saying he better feel romantic because I am ovulating. That doesn't really get anyone in the mood, FYI.
...I can eat sushi any time I want it.
...I don't have to shake hands with multiple doctors, nurses, and random people while they stand in between my legs. Seriously, introductions should be made before the underwear is off. That is even one night stand etiquette!
...I can stop counting. Counting til ovulation, counting til I can test, forever counting and not living.
...I can focus on other things in life besides all things baby related. My brain needs a break! I dimly recall a time when I wasn't completely wrapped up in "what ifs" and "maybe this months".
...Josh and I won't have this kind of alone time ever again. I can actually enjoy it and do couple things.
...my house is quiet. That is really peaceful and little ones aren't exactly peaceful.
...I'm finally in a job I like so I can focus on my career for a bit.
Finally,
...God has a plan. Josh and I have prayed long and hard about the child we so desperately want. If we don't have a precious bundle yet, it isn't because God isn't hearing our please. It's because He has something else in mind. I've suggested that a baby would be a good thing, but He hasn't said yes yet. God has bigger plans for us than we have so this has become a lesson in trust.
It's okay I'm not great with child because...
...Josh and I can hopefully go on a trip after he graduates. You can't fly if you are six months pregnant or more.
...I can stop pushing protein. I have eaten chicken until I am about to sprout feathers. I'm not a huge meat fan. Glad I can stop that!
...I can diet. I've gained several pounds and now I can work on getting them off without worrying if I am depriving a growing fetus of nutrients.
...I can have a glass of wine if I want it.
...I don't have to send any texts to Josh saying he better feel romantic because I am ovulating. That doesn't really get anyone in the mood, FYI.
...I can eat sushi any time I want it.
...I don't have to shake hands with multiple doctors, nurses, and random people while they stand in between my legs. Seriously, introductions should be made before the underwear is off. That is even one night stand etiquette!
...I can stop counting. Counting til ovulation, counting til I can test, forever counting and not living.
...I can focus on other things in life besides all things baby related. My brain needs a break! I dimly recall a time when I wasn't completely wrapped up in "what ifs" and "maybe this months".
...Josh and I won't have this kind of alone time ever again. I can actually enjoy it and do couple things.
...my house is quiet. That is really peaceful and little ones aren't exactly peaceful.
...I'm finally in a job I like so I can focus on my career for a bit.
Finally,
...God has a plan. Josh and I have prayed long and hard about the child we so desperately want. If we don't have a precious bundle yet, it isn't because God isn't hearing our please. It's because He has something else in mind. I've suggested that a baby would be a good thing, but He hasn't said yes yet. God has bigger plans for us than we have so this has become a lesson in trust.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
97.2%
If you have ever had surgery, you know that your doctor is required to go through all the risks, including the risks of anesthesia. He usually says something about having never had anyone not come out of anesthesia, but he has to tell you that there is a one percent chance (or so, probably less) that that can happen. You nod and sign on the dotted line for him to do the surgery. It isn't until you are just about to go under that you really appreciate that that 1% was a person, not just a number. That it affected their lives. That is how statistics are, they are helpful, but can blind you to the fact that it equates to real lives.
That is how I feel now. There was a 97.2% chance that I would be pregnant by now given my specifics. And yet, still no baby in sight, another failed month, another test with one line. When I heard the numbers, I never really even considered that I would be in the 2.8%. I mean, the other percentage was so high it seemed practically guaranteed. But of the blue million (but probably closer to 100) pregnancy announcements I've seen and heard of since we started trying there are two other women who are as heartbroken as I am. My heart breaks for those two women too.
Soon I am going to write a post about why all this waiting and trying is okay, because I know in my head I know that it is, but my heart is hurting. I am mourning for all the things that could have been and all the babies that I didn't manage to conceive. I'm sad because my doctor says (or said when I last saw him, I go again next week) that IVF is the only option left to us. Josh is concerned that if we don't try it then we may never have biological children, but neither of know if we should go down that path since it could be at the expense of the child we hope to adopt. It's so many big decisions about a process that comes so naturally to other women, it happens accidentally to so many!
Josh and I will be okay and we'll pull through this fine because we have to and because so many other before us have. Doesn't mean it's fun though and it doesn't mean we aren't sad that our efforts and our doctor's are failing. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with fewer hormones!
That is how I feel now. There was a 97.2% chance that I would be pregnant by now given my specifics. And yet, still no baby in sight, another failed month, another test with one line. When I heard the numbers, I never really even considered that I would be in the 2.8%. I mean, the other percentage was so high it seemed practically guaranteed. But of the blue million (but probably closer to 100) pregnancy announcements I've seen and heard of since we started trying there are two other women who are as heartbroken as I am. My heart breaks for those two women too.
Soon I am going to write a post about why all this waiting and trying is okay, because I know in my head I know that it is, but my heart is hurting. I am mourning for all the things that could have been and all the babies that I didn't manage to conceive. I'm sad because my doctor says (or said when I last saw him, I go again next week) that IVF is the only option left to us. Josh is concerned that if we don't try it then we may never have biological children, but neither of know if we should go down that path since it could be at the expense of the child we hope to adopt. It's so many big decisions about a process that comes so naturally to other women, it happens accidentally to so many!
Josh and I will be okay and we'll pull through this fine because we have to and because so many other before us have. Doesn't mean it's fun though and it doesn't mean we aren't sad that our efforts and our doctor's are failing. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with fewer hormones!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
New Job Recap
On Monday I started a new job and I want to tell you about it because...I like it! I know, I was shocked too! I am working as Customer Service Rep (still at Eastman). I was anxious to get a new position, but I was worried about talking to a lot of people because I am an introvert and this would be waaay out of my comfort zone. The job is a lot more taking orders, than listening to irate customers.
There are also two new friends! That is super exciting to me. We are all three about the same age and we hired in at the same time so we are equally overwhelmed. The other women are also nice, but four of them are about to retire so I won't have time to get to know them well (talk about throwing you in the deep end when they are gone!).
Also, here is more goodness about this job, SHOES!! In the lab I had to wear flat, closed toe, closed heel, non-permeable shoes. You can imagine with those requirements how attractive your options were. In this job, I can wear my long beloved high heels and I can also wear dresses. I love dresses and heels it makes me feel feminine and like I have a "grown-up" job. Now I know there are Tons of jobs that don't require nice outfits, but I associate that with "having arrived".
Of course, I have only just barely started so I may hate the job, but so far I am enjoying what I'll be doing (and what I'm wearing).
There are also two new friends! That is super exciting to me. We are all three about the same age and we hired in at the same time so we are equally overwhelmed. The other women are also nice, but four of them are about to retire so I won't have time to get to know them well (talk about throwing you in the deep end when they are gone!).
Also, here is more goodness about this job, SHOES!! In the lab I had to wear flat, closed toe, closed heel, non-permeable shoes. You can imagine with those requirements how attractive your options were. In this job, I can wear my long beloved high heels and I can also wear dresses. I love dresses and heels it makes me feel feminine and like I have a "grown-up" job. Now I know there are Tons of jobs that don't require nice outfits, but I associate that with "having arrived".
Of course, I have only just barely started so I may hate the job, but so far I am enjoying what I'll be doing (and what I'm wearing).
Friday, June 14, 2013
Then I Was Flabbergasted and Speechless and Angry
I've told you guys that I'm not big on confrontation. I don't think many people really relish confrontation, but the second anyone voices a dissenting opinion I have a hard time standing up for my own because I don't want to ruffle feathers. It's not a great quality in all actuality and I've been working on it the past couple weeks. I've stood up for myself to a couple of different people and it gets a little easier each time. I started a conversation with this guy I knew and for a little bit I tried to explain my side, but then he said something so...dumbfounding, maddening, URGH! that I was completely at a loss. Let me tell you about it.
This man that knew that Josh and I are trying to get pregnant (because who doesn't?) asked me how that was going the other day. I am not that close to this guy and I never really meant for him to know these intimate details of my life so I gave him the most basic recap possible in hopes of just moving on. I told him that I had had surgery, it went okay for what it was supposed to do, but caused another problem that I was now taking meds for. Now we had three months for that to work and if it didn't then we would be at the end of the line and have to decide between IVF or adoption.
He listens to all this, nods and says "Well, I'll tell you, I think you should get IVF if at all possible."
Most people I know take the other side so I asked him (here was at least the first mistake): "Oh and why is that?"
He responds with, "There is nothing like your own child. Even though I don't think you would want to show favoritism, you can never love another child like you would love your own. You need to have your own."
My mouth fell open a little. I have Strong feelings about adoption which I went on to explain to him: "No, an adopted child would be "my own child". Even though I won't birth that kid, I will be that child's mom and take care of in every way a bio mom would. I've known that I wanted to adopt since I was 16 and I've been praying for my adopted baby since then. I wanted this child before I knew a bio child would be an option. I wanted this baby when I didn't know if I would get married and thought I would be a single adoptive parent. I've been praying for this kid for a 1/3 of my life and I can't Wait until she is home with us and I will love her the same as I will any child that comes from my body."
That was hard for me. He's an older guy and I don't like to say anything opposing an elder, but still, touchy subject. Okay so I figure this conversation is over and it should have been. I tried to excuse myself, but no, he had one more thing to say: "You aren't a real mom until you've had a baby."
Hold the phone. He did not. Oh yes he did. So all the parents who have opened their homes to children who had no where else and loved them and cleaned up all manner of body fluids at 3am, those people aren't real parents, but a woman who stays so drugged or drunk out of her mind that she completely neglects or abuses her kid, that woman is a "real mom" and the other isn't? A parent isn't made by the person who contributed DNA to the child, it's who takes care of that child, who loves that kid to distraction, who sacrifices for that child. I was furious. Even typing it makes me mad. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from the same man who said that "breastfeeding" is an offensive word. Eye roll.
This man that knew that Josh and I are trying to get pregnant (because who doesn't?) asked me how that was going the other day. I am not that close to this guy and I never really meant for him to know these intimate details of my life so I gave him the most basic recap possible in hopes of just moving on. I told him that I had had surgery, it went okay for what it was supposed to do, but caused another problem that I was now taking meds for. Now we had three months for that to work and if it didn't then we would be at the end of the line and have to decide between IVF or adoption.
He listens to all this, nods and says "Well, I'll tell you, I think you should get IVF if at all possible."
Most people I know take the other side so I asked him (here was at least the first mistake): "Oh and why is that?"
He responds with, "There is nothing like your own child. Even though I don't think you would want to show favoritism, you can never love another child like you would love your own. You need to have your own."
My mouth fell open a little. I have Strong feelings about adoption which I went on to explain to him: "No, an adopted child would be "my own child". Even though I won't birth that kid, I will be that child's mom and take care of in every way a bio mom would. I've known that I wanted to adopt since I was 16 and I've been praying for my adopted baby since then. I wanted this child before I knew a bio child would be an option. I wanted this baby when I didn't know if I would get married and thought I would be a single adoptive parent. I've been praying for this kid for a 1/3 of my life and I can't Wait until she is home with us and I will love her the same as I will any child that comes from my body."
That was hard for me. He's an older guy and I don't like to say anything opposing an elder, but still, touchy subject. Okay so I figure this conversation is over and it should have been. I tried to excuse myself, but no, he had one more thing to say: "You aren't a real mom until you've had a baby."
Hold the phone. He did not. Oh yes he did. So all the parents who have opened their homes to children who had no where else and loved them and cleaned up all manner of body fluids at 3am, those people aren't real parents, but a woman who stays so drugged or drunk out of her mind that she completely neglects or abuses her kid, that woman is a "real mom" and the other isn't? A parent isn't made by the person who contributed DNA to the child, it's who takes care of that child, who loves that kid to distraction, who sacrifices for that child. I was furious. Even typing it makes me mad. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from the same man who said that "breastfeeding" is an offensive word. Eye roll.
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