I've told you guys that I'm not big on confrontation. I don't think many people really relish confrontation, but the second anyone voices a dissenting opinion I have a hard time standing up for my own because I don't want to ruffle feathers. It's not a great quality in all actuality and I've been working on it the past couple weeks. I've stood up for myself to a couple of different people and it gets a little easier each time. I started a conversation with this guy I knew and for a little bit I tried to explain my side, but then he said something so...dumbfounding, maddening, URGH! that I was completely at a loss. Let me tell you about it.
This man that knew that Josh and I are trying to get pregnant (because who doesn't?) asked me how that was going the other day. I am not that close to this guy and I never really meant for him to know these intimate details of my life so I gave him the most basic recap possible in hopes of just moving on. I told him that I had had surgery, it went okay for what it was supposed to do, but caused another problem that I was now taking meds for. Now we had three months for that to work and if it didn't then we would be at the end of the line and have to decide between IVF or adoption.
He listens to all this, nods and says "Well, I'll tell you, I think you should get IVF if at all possible."
Most people I know take the other side so I asked him (here was at least the first mistake): "Oh and why is that?"
He responds with, "There is nothing like your own child. Even though I don't think you would want to show favoritism, you can never love another child like you would love your own. You need to have your own."
My mouth fell open a little. I have Strong feelings about adoption which I went on to explain to him: "No, an adopted child would be "my own child". Even though I won't birth that kid, I will be that child's mom and take care of in every way a bio mom would. I've known that I wanted to adopt since I was 16 and I've been praying for my adopted baby since then. I wanted this child before I knew a bio child would be an option. I wanted this baby when I didn't know if I would get married and thought I would be a single adoptive parent. I've been praying for this kid for a 1/3 of my life and I can't Wait until she is home with us and I will love her the same as I will any child that comes from my body."
That was hard for me. He's an older guy and I don't like to say anything opposing an elder, but still, touchy subject. Okay so I figure this conversation is over and it should have been. I tried to excuse myself, but no, he had one more thing to say: "You aren't a real mom until you've had a baby."
Hold the phone. He did not. Oh yes he did. So all the parents who have opened their homes to children who had no where else and loved them and cleaned up all manner of body fluids at 3am, those people aren't real parents, but a woman who stays so drugged or drunk out of her mind that she completely neglects or abuses her kid, that woman is a "real mom" and the other isn't? A parent isn't made by the person who contributed DNA to the child, it's who takes care of that child, who loves that kid to distraction, who sacrifices for that child. I was furious. Even typing it makes me mad. I guess I shouldn't have expected anything different from the same man who said that "breastfeeding" is an offensive word. Eye roll.