Monday, August 19, 2013

It's Okay Because

The worst of the hormones have passed through now and I am ready to blog about why it is okay that I haven't been able to get pregnant. You can only be so cheery when you are willing to bowl over small people in an attempt to get the last of chocolate ice cream. So in no particular order:

It's okay I'm not great with child because...

...Josh and I can hopefully go on a trip after he graduates. You can't fly if you are six months pregnant or more.

...I can stop pushing protein. I have eaten chicken until I am about to sprout feathers. I'm not a huge meat fan. Glad I can stop that!

...I can diet. I've gained several pounds and now I can work on getting them off without worrying if I am depriving a growing fetus of nutrients.

...I can have a glass of wine if I want it.

...I don't have to send any texts to Josh saying he better feel romantic because I am ovulating. That doesn't really get anyone in the mood, FYI.

...I can eat sushi any time I want it.

...I don't have to shake hands with multiple doctors, nurses, and random people while they stand in between my legs. Seriously, introductions should be made before the underwear is off. That is even one night stand etiquette!

...I can stop counting. Counting til ovulation, counting til I can test, forever counting and not living.

...I can focus on other things in life besides all things baby related. My brain needs a break! I dimly recall a time when I wasn't completely wrapped up in "what ifs" and "maybe this months".

...Josh and I won't have this kind of alone time ever again.  I can actually enjoy it and do couple things. house is quiet. That is really peaceful and little ones aren't exactly peaceful.

...I'm finally in a job I like so I can focus on my career for a bit.


...God has a plan. Josh and I have prayed long and hard about the child we so desperately want. If we don't have a precious bundle yet, it isn't because God isn't hearing our please. It's because He has something else in mind. I've suggested that a baby would be a good thing, but He hasn't said yes yet. God has bigger plans for us than we have so this has become a lesson in trust.

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


If you have ever had surgery, you know that your doctor is required to go through all the risks, including the risks of anesthesia. He usually says something about having never had anyone not come out of anesthesia, but he has to tell you that there is a one percent chance (or so, probably less) that that can happen. You nod and sign on the dotted line for him to do the surgery. It isn't until you are just about to go under that you really appreciate that that 1% was a person, not just a number. That it affected their lives. That is how statistics are, they are helpful, but can blind you to the fact that it equates to real lives.

That is how I feel now. There was a 97.2% chance that I would be pregnant by now given my specifics. And yet, still no baby in sight, another failed month, another test with one line. When I heard the numbers, I never really even considered that I would be in the 2.8%. I mean, the other percentage was so high it seemed practically guaranteed. But of the blue million (but probably closer to 100) pregnancy announcements I've seen and heard of since we started trying there are two other women who are as heartbroken as I am. My heart breaks for those two women too.

Soon I am going to write a post about why all this waiting and trying is okay, because I know in my head I know that it is, but my heart is hurting. I am mourning for all the things that could have been and all the babies that I didn't manage to conceive. I'm sad because my doctor says (or said when I last saw him, I go again next week) that IVF is the only option left to us. Josh is concerned that if we don't try it then we may never have biological children, but neither of know if we should go down that path since it could be at the expense of the child we hope to adopt. It's so many big decisions about a process that comes so naturally to other women, it happens accidentally to so many!

Josh and I will be okay and we'll pull through this fine because we have to and because so many other before us have. Doesn't mean it's fun though and it doesn't mean we aren't sad that our efforts and our doctor's are failing. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully with fewer hormones!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

New Job Recap

On Monday I started a new job and I want to tell you about it because...I like it!  I know, I was shocked too!  I am working as Customer Service Rep (still at Eastman). I was anxious to get a new position, but I was worried about talking to a lot of people because I am an introvert and this would be waaay out of my comfort zone. The job is a lot more taking orders, than listening to irate customers.

There are also two new friends! That is super exciting to me.  We are all three about the same age and we hired in at the same time so we are equally overwhelmed. The other women are also nice, but four of them are about to retire so I won't have time to get to know them well (talk about throwing you in the deep end when they are gone!).

Also, here is more goodness about this job, SHOES!!  In the lab I had to wear flat, closed toe, closed heel, non-permeable shoes. You can imagine with those requirements how attractive your options were. In this job, I can wear my long beloved high heels and I can also wear dresses. I love dresses and heels it makes me feel feminine and like I have a "grown-up" job. Now I know there are Tons of jobs that don't require nice outfits, but I associate that with "having arrived".

Of course, I have only just barely started so I may hate the job, but so far I am enjoying what I'll be doing (and what I'm wearing).