Wednesday, January 23, 2013

What. The. Heck???

The Men's London Fashion Week happened recently.  I saw some of the pictures on Pinterest and it was so...mind blowing, shocking, horrifying, pick an adjective that I just had to show you in case you haven't been exposed.

First there was the cheese puff.  I'm guessing that's what this was supposed to be.  Maybe an orange percent sign?  At least this guy's face is covered.  He never has to admit that he was once the embodiment of a childhood scribble.

This man, on the other hand, looks like he has some deep anger about his cleavage baring full body oven mitt.  Nuns have similar headpieces but we don't typically look to them for their keen fashion sense.  On the plus side, look at those shiny legs!  He must moisturize.

Then there is this related sweater, thing, abomination.  When would anyone, even assuming they were a blind naked hobo, wear this?  It has massive holes in the middle that would let in an awful draft, but you know those mittens are hot.  We should make convicts wear this as their punishment.  Crime rates would plummet.  Also, how big would your needles have to be to make stitches like that?  That is the least of my questions though.

Now we are into the more "normal" men's clothes.  At least there are no visible mittens on this.  Still, think of the men you know, how many would wear this, ever?  Unless they are riding a Delorean into the future, the answer is probably none.  There is so much going on, SO MUCH BLUE, that I don't even know where to look.  The sweater pattern creates an optical illusion that makes him look like he's moving.  Don't let him catch you!

This is like the walk of shame outfit for men.  He's like "yeah, so my frat brothers took my pants, I'm owning the boxers.  Ladies, you like what you see?"  The blue returns, apparently the designers were inspired by the Smurfs.

Okay this is okay, or at least as okay as any of these clothes can possibly be.  I feel like this should be a 1970s wallpaper.  He appears to be making a house call with that bag too.  I don't think Bill Cosby could pull this sweater off.  I want that square to light up like a Teletubbie, that wouldn't even be shocking at this point.

This guy looks like Justin Timberlake raided his substitute teacher/librarian mother's closet.  I can't exactly put my finger on what is so bad about this except to say that I would prefer the previous sweater.  I think this is color blocking gone wrong.  Like a geometry lesson that took on life and spawned a cardigan.

What absolutely amazes me is that this was a planned event.  Somewhere, a designer sat down with a team and decided that this was the way they wanted to represent themselves to the rest of the fashion world.  I don't know a lot about fashion, but I do know that in most industries the goal is to make money.  Who is going to buy any of these?  Girls pole dance to pay their way through school, but somehow wearing these designs seems more degrading.

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